I don’t even know how to start this blog post. I seriously don’t. I’ve sat in front of my computer, typing a sentence or two just to delete them and start from scratch, over and over again.
I’ve always wanted to be a mother. For as long as I can remember – that’s what I’ve wanted most in life. Sure, I had other dreams and aspirations throughout the years (being a teacher was one, for example), but the one that never wavered was wanting to be a mother.
As anti-feminist as some may take this (and I will wholeheartedly disagree with anyone who says such) – being a mother was all I ever wanted to be.
So when I felt “different” and decided to pee on multiple sticks ( /after 2 years of trying with the love of my life, but that’s gonna be a whole ‘notha blog post) and the tests finally turned positive – I was shocked when I wasn’t immediately overcome with the feeling of euphoria. Sure, I was happy – but my anxiety kicked right in and the self doubt immediately started.
When I found my dream wedding dress, I was so overwhelmed with emotions. I was crying, everyone I brought with me shopping that day was crying…random strangers in the store were coming up to me telling me it was the perfect dress for me as I walked back to the fitting room. It was a lot. Truthfully, the whole wedding dress shopping experience was A LOT and there’s so much that went on that I was not expecting. After trying on over 20 dresses, I’m here to share a few things I learned about wedding dress shopping.
The other night I found myself staring up at the ceiling as I laid in bed, fighting another battle with insomnia. I was following the cracks and lines along the ceiling that come from the wear and tear over the years, and I couldn’t help but compare it to the wear and tear we go through ourselves in life.
Like everyone else – I have been hurt. I’ve hit what I thought was rock bottom, been so hurt I thought I would never be able to trust or love again. My anxiety has always contributed to the feeling like whenever life is going great – something will inevitably happen, cracking my happiness to pieces.
Those little pieces have had to be put back together over and over. But, the damage is done, the cracks are there – and the walls I’ve built after each disappointment have to be rebuilt over and over – seemingly getting taller with each rebuild.