I don’t even know how to start this blog post. I seriously don’t. I’ve sat in front of my computer, typing a sentence or two just to delete them and start from scratch, over and over again.
I’ve always wanted to be a mother. For as long as I can remember – that’s what I’ve wanted most in life. Sure, I had other dreams and aspirations throughout the years (being a teacher was one, for example), but the one that never wavered was wanting to be a mother.
As anti-feminist as some may take this (and I will wholeheartedly disagree with anyone who says such) – being a mother was all I ever wanted to be.
So when I felt “different” and decided to pee on multiple sticks ( /after 2 years of trying with the love of my life, but that’s gonna be a whole ‘notha blog post) and the tests finally turned positive – I was shocked when I wasn’t immediately overcome with the feeling of euphoria. Sure, I was happy – but my anxiety kicked right in and the self doubt immediately started.
I couldn’t believe it was true. I didn’t believe it was true. I started thinking the worst. Thinking that if it was true – it was too good to be true and that it’d be ripped away from me. Follow that up with a two scares that landed me in the ER within the same week of confirming my pregnancy – it was hard to believe that it was happening. But here we are, currently at 15 weeks and going strong
I HATED my first trimester, though.
From before I even confirmed the pregnancy, I felt like shit. Every single day. Not a day went by where I wasn’t exhausted and struggling to keep my eyes open throughout the day. After confirming we were expecting, it’s like my body was like, “Yup – here we go!”
Not a day went by where I wasn’t feeling ridiculously queasy and having to dash to the bathroom on occasion. Or having to have Mike pull over on the side of the road…or me having to jump off of the subway at a random stop to take advantage of the multiple garbage cans placed on the platform. I couldn’t eat and I could barely drink water. The only things I could stomach (no pun intended) and that helped ease the constant feeling of nausea was lemonade and sweet and sour chicken balls. Yup. Very random – but that was the case. Eventually strawberry ice cream and gummy bears were tolerable, which was obviously a very welcome feeling.
…but, I hated feeling like this and the more awful I felt, the more I started to doubt and question myself.
How dare I complain about how the pregnancy was making me feel? This was what I had wanted for SO LONG – I had no right to complain.
The boogeyman in my head was working overtime, whew…let me tell you.
It was very difficult for me to grasp the idea that it was ok to hate how pregnancy was making me feel. It didn’t mean I wanted it any less…it just meant I wanted a good night’s sleep and to be able to eat a full meal without upchucking it mid-way through.
Every pregnancy is different. Every body changes at different speeds and every expectant parent will go through a roller coaster of emotions. What’s important to remember is that it’s normal to feel all of these things and hopefully you’re surrounded by a strong support system who will help silence the boogeyman in your head.
Oh, and also remember that the tartness of lemonade helps with nausea. Remember that too.